I'm sorry...

well this weekend has been lots of fun, and not to chaotic which i definatly needed! it has been an incredablly looonnnnnggggggg long week. like i think its been the longest busiest week i've had since coming here. might have even been longer then mod week.
well last thursday-saturday was the MB study conference, we went for the thursday service, which was a lot of fun. then friday and saturday i guess i was working on homework... i don't really remember what was all happening that weekend but it busy, i think i went to the city for a bit... oh yeah sunday spent the day in the city, bought a cell phone which was super exciting! but it was a long and tiring day, then came back to school and we had 'speed friendshiping' which is an appropriate bible school version of speed dating. it was a lot of fun but it went until like 11:30.
monday is always long because its the first day back to classes and i have three classes that day. so a long day of classes and then we had the talent show which was so much fun but it made the night longer because it didn't end until like 11. oh and on monday this thing started of 'not talking to aaron' because ppl didn't think i could do it... at the time it seemed like a good idea and i didn't plan on taking it seriously but everyone was saying how good it would be to not talk to him at all whatsoever like not even so much as say hi to him for a whole week... and like part of me wanted to do that but i shouldn't have... i think that caused more problems then good. see everyone was all 'it will be good... you're to dependant on each other' 'you need to take a break from each other... besides you couldn't last a whole week anyways... it will strengthen your relationship' yeah will i kinda think that was crap! aaron is the person i turn to when i'm stressed and i need someone to talk to, to rant to, to just let me know that everything will be okay.. plus they made it so i couldn't talk to him at all... like i was not aloud to so much as say hi to him when i passed him in the hallway... like a little extreme! but yeah it just makes it harder when things are already stressful and i can't talk to someone that i care about of this stupid... gah. i feel so stupid.
and then tuesday is always long with CS(our christian service minsitry time thing. its from 12-4(ish) yeah and that alone makes it a long day... i personally do not enjoy working at the food bank... and then there is choir practice and unit meetings on tuesday also.
wednseday was the day of prayer. which was good
thursday/firday were campus visit days. so thursday i did like massive amounts of homework, working ahead and whatnot trying not to think about other things. thursday i found out that aaron was in the hospital, so i texted him to ask if he was okay, and since then i've been getting crap about not being able to make 'my week without him'
we also had a worship night that night. which was really good in some ways and hard in others....
friday wouldn't have been that long minus the fact that me and aaron got into a bit of... i guess you could call it a fight...but with how stressed i already was and then that.. well i was basically almost in tears i was so upset over everything that was going on. and then friday evening i went with a few people up to go and visit him in the hospital, and that was hard, sincei hate being in hospitals and we didn't talk to each other at all since things were still really tense from earlier. so that made friday very hard.
saturday(or yesterday i guess) went to the city, which was fun but still its hard dealing with peoples comments right now, even if i know they're joking but like the whole not making it through the week and then going to visit him. and like i've been getting criticized for that. like i'm sorry that i care about my friends and i don't like seeing them in pain. like personally i think i would be an absolutly terrible person if someone i cared about was in the hospital and i continued to completly ignore them because of a stupid challenge that was somehow supposed to be 'beneficial to our friendship' like i do agree that we might have been spending to much time together and we are going to hang out less now, but i think that the way that went about doing it was wrong. so like seriously any little comment right now about that whole issue is a bad idea.
i feel like a time bomb i'm just waiting to explode... i'm amazed i've made it this long...
oh and i have been up until 1-2 in the morning ever single night this week listening to my roommate tell me all about her problems and ranting for half an hour because i said this and it might have offended this person.. well if their gonna be offended i don't care there opinion doesn't mean anything... i should go apologize, shantel what should i do? .... shantel i need your honest opinion what should i do, what do you think about this... should i tell this guy that i like him, do you think he likes me, maybe we'll date next semester.. but do you think this girl likes him.. maybe i should ignore him...
and i just want to be like okay seriously do whatever you think is best but go to bed!!
i don't have all the answers stop expecting me to! i can't figure out what to do about my own life let alone someone elses! okay and one thing... please don't offer me any advice after reading this post!
i mean it.
i have so many people here offering me 'advice' but seriously it feels more like orders. i feel like everyone is telling me
what to do
what to say, what not to say
what to think
what to feel
like it's my life please just let me make my own decisions.... i try to listen to my friends advice but it seems like everyone is trying to tell me how to live my life and their all telling me something different and it's just confusing me and i don't know what to think anymore i feel like i don't have my own opinion anymore!
and it shows.
part of the reason aaron was mad at me was because he said that ' the way your acting makes no sense' and that i'm not being myself. but like nothing makes sense to me anymore because i have a whole bunch of people all telling me different things and expecting me to do what they tell me to do because they now best and i'm stuck in the middle trying to figure out what to do while not blowing off my friends 'advice' because i care about them, and trying to be there for them and listen to all of their problems and make their lives better... which i normally don't mind but my life is so chaotic that i feel like i'm in no place to be there for other, i'm stressed about stuff as it is without adding everyone elses problems on top...
i hate it. because i over think everything and everyone is telling me what to do and it confuses me and i don't know what to do anymore... maybe this is a bad thing but its at times like these that i need aaron. i don't think about and worry about these things when i'm with him. i can just relax and now that things will be okay. that God is in control and that the stuff that's going on is just trivial little things that will pass and aren't worth stressing over... maybe its wrong but everything is just a little better when i'm with him....